Wrapping Gifts and Getting Lip

It's Sunday morning. About 9:06 to be exact. I've been in the basement with the kids for a good hour. Playing, wrapping gifts, etc. Toad's sawwing logs upstairs and thinking he's gonna skate out of taking Andrew to chatechism while he's soaking up a nice Catholic mass.

I'll admit the basement is a natural disaster. There's shit everywhere. Cushions are off the couch and chair because there is an alien that just landed and we think it's under the cushions. We have to take the cushions off to check and see if they are still around and when they're leaving. Katherine is walking around aimlessly and pulling crap out of its place as she strolls along. I don't care if the place looks like hell. I deal with this everyday and roll with it. There are much bigger carp to fry, people. But Toad, on the other hand, he ain't having it. He tells me when he walks into a room with toys everywhere and things in disarray he immediately gets stressed out. He feel overwhlemed. Kinda like the world is gonna end and he never stopped to pick up the 24 pack of bottled water to get him through the last few agonizing days. I have challenged him on this. In fact, Andrew has even said, "Dad, you gotta cool it, man. I think you would feel better if you drank a big glass of red wine. Connor - this kid in my class - he told me his Dad AND Mom drink red wine together and all of their problems just go away."

At any rate, Toad starts making his way down the stairs to the basement. I can hear him cause he's making this moaning sound like, "I may have gotten 12 hours of sleep, but I'm a hustler so I'm still tired. How am I gonna make it through the day?" He does this because he's hoping I will volunteer to take Andrew to church while he puts Katherine down for a nap and sacks on the couch watching ESPN. I know my man, people. I may not know much, but I KNOW MY MAN. He is as predictable as they come.


He gets to the bottom of the stairs and Andrew and I shoot eachother a look - the look that says, "We're screwed but there's nothing we can do about it now. He's gonna start in on us."

We all hang for a few minutes and then I make the announcement that Andrew has to start getting ready for Chatechism.

Andrew tries so damn hard to make a b line for the stairs. Toad stops him and says, "Before you run upstairs, Mr., you need to clean up your mess."

Awwwww sheeeeet. Here it comes. The debate of all time. Keep your head down, Janko. Keep wrapping those gifts. Don't look up.

Toad: "Andrew this basement is always a disaster. Everytime I come down here it's a mess. You have all these cool toys and you're not respecting them."

Andrew: "Well it actually all started with Matthew (chinese kid next door). See in China, you don't have to pick up your toys after you play with them because there's really no point. You're just gonna come back in a couple of hours and start playing with them again. Chinese people are REALLY smart, Dad."

Toad: "This has nothing to do with Chinese people. Clean up the toys."

Now Katherine knows shit's not right. She starts grunting and giving Toad mean looks.

Andrew: "What the hell?! I am exhausted, Dad. You and Mom always tell me what to do and boss me around and I am getting really tired from it. I mean, it's hard when you're constantly being told what to do. I need freedom. I need choices."

Toad: "You choice is clean this basement or go to your room until lunchtime."

Insert loud grunt from Katherine.

Andrew: "What needs to happen here is we need to call Matthew and have him help me with this mess cause he was the last one over here and he got all this stuff out."

Toad is now way past Mr. Reasonable. Something's gonna blow.

Toad (in a surprisingly soft tone): "Andrew, let me explain something to you. Everyday I come home and I clean this house. I wash the dishes, I do the laundry. I pick up all of Katherine's toys. I shovel the driveway. I take out the trash. These are things that I do for our family. Maybe I don't make the mess but I clean it up cause that's what you do when you're in a family. Everyone picthes and in helps eachother out."

Andrew: "Dad, I think you have it a little bit wrong. Almost all of those things you said MOM does everyday for us. Plus, she makes beds, packs my lunch and cooks dinner. And you wanna know the worst part of all her jobs - changing stinky diapers. Sometimes she changes 4 in one day! And they can be bombs, Dad. REAL bombs. And she doesn't even get an allowance. Can you imagine?"

Toad: "Yap, Mom is a hard worker. Now clean the basement and get ready for church."

Ahhh, he's a real mama's boy that Andrew. Makes me proud.