Euro Traffic Circles are Bullshit

Here I am - off to the Bouncin Party Zone during midwinter break. We're gonna pay a measly $7 and Andrew will be able to run wild and sweat a good 3 pounds off his frame in just 2 hours.

The tricky part is getting there. It shouldn't be though. I can picture the place in my head. But thanks to some jackass road engineer in Sterling Heights, it could be hours before we arrive. And to think, we're just a 1/2 mile away.

Like I just mentioned, some complete moron/dumbass thought it would be a bright idea to install one of those european style traffic circles at Van Dyke just north of 18 Mile.

All's going well in the car. I am humming along, following my OnStar directions when I see the bullshit up ahead. Quickly I try to figure out what lane I'm supposed to be in. I have three choices. Shit. Might as well go with the middle one then I can scoot over either way at the last minute. And you need to determine what lane you want at least a 1/2 mile ahead of the actual circle (another point that these circles are bullshit.)

Being that I have never done this before, I'm riding on a prayer, people. I've got Billy Joe Bob behind me kissing my bumper. He's in a big hurry to get somewhere like the 7-11 up ahead. And I'm cockblocked on both sides by some more greggs. If I need to change lanes, it ain't gonna happen.

I'm getting closer to the circle and OnStar starts spitting out orders. Make a right in 3 feet, bear left in 6 feet, take a right at the second yield. Now Andrew's getting involved. "Mom, what's happening here? Do you know what to do? Why is the man's voice on the radio going crazy? Does he know where we should turn? Are we gonna make it to the Bouncin Party Zone? Is it 2 o clock cause that's when it opens."

Aww man, now I'm in the thick of it and people are entering and exiting all over the place. Horns are blaring, fingers are flipping and I am sweating cajones. Andrew's nervous and tells me to just drive faster. "DRIVE FASTER, MOM. They won't be able to catch you, Mom. Just do it."

Shit, my kid thinks we're in a dragrace. Oh, and don't forget about OnStar. They disconnected me as soon as I entered the circle. Some help they are. I must have gone around the circle a 1/2 dozen times. Changing lanes, honking, breathing heavy.

Finally I find a random freeway and just jump on it. Now we're headed to Imlay City. Much better. I need to find me some countryside.

I call OnStar back and they tell me that their system could not handle the frequent turns and just hung up. If I want directions to that place they won't do it. I am on my own. All they can tell me is "Get back on Van Dyke, Mr. Jan-a-cow-a-saki."

We finally join the circle once again and this time we run around just 3 times. Graciously, an older man lets me in. I think he knew I was in trouble cause I decided it was best to just throw the hazards on a mile out.

We made it to the Bouncin Party Zone at 2:07. Doors had just opened and the chaos was waiting for us.

We go in to pay and the lady has the balls to tell me, "Now, we need you to stay with your child here. This isn't a babysitting service. In fact, if you pay $7 you can jump, too. But I need to tell you two that we just had a hole in the 80 ft slide. I patched it shortly before you came in today but if you notice it's starting to deflate while you're on it, just jump off the side. The carpeting will break your fall."

So I have to come back at that one. "I'd be happy to take an 80 ft nose dive onto the carpet, as long as there's padding of course, considering the traffic circle I just rounded 18 times to get here."

Andrew has already ripped off his boots, jacket, hat, gloves, glasses and takes off.

I sit down on the picnic bench and listen to "No more I love yous" on the ghettoblaster in the corner.

Manager walks back in and tells me I can change the channel if I REALLY want to, but at least wait til that song is over. It reminds her of her ex and how they loved eachother in the beginning then when she found out about his girlfriend the lovin stopped cold turkey.

Shit. When is this midwinter break over? I'd like to pop the guy who came up with that a nice knuckle sandwich.