Who are you people?!

Ahhhhhh...the joys of a family vaca. Getting all that closeness with eachother in a week's time. And the closeness is that much more special when you drive 22 hours to get to your family vacation destination.

We thought we could do it. We thought the drive would save us some coin. Everyone knows only biggashottas fly. The common folk pack a cooler and head south on 75. Hell, we even thought we could drive straight thru. Why not? We have 18 dvds in the car and 2 DVD players.

The ride was a joy. The hotels we stayed in were klassy, but the real kick in the knockers was when we finally made it to Florida and Andrew said, "All I really wanna do down here is swim in the pool." Fine by us. We agreed. So we unpacked the car and packed up all the shiznit for the pool. And believe me, we only had a few towels and a boogie board and a shovel which we happened to find in the back of the storage closet.

We trek down to the pool and slither in. Now this is the place I have been coming to for years with my sisters and parents. It's my grandparents place that now is my parents. It's older folks, but generally speaking they keep their cool.

We were in the pool for 2.5 minutes when two dirts come barreling out of the clubhouse.

Male Dirt: "Who are you people?"

Janko: he can't be serious greeting us this way. this behavior must be ignored.

Male Dirt: "Are you renters or owners?"

Janko: "Neither"

Female Dirt: "Where are you staying?"

Janko: "Over there." Pointing in the opposite direction of our condo.

Female Dirt: "You know we have rules around here. Did you read the pool rules before you came down here?"

Janko: "No."

Male Dirt: "You need to get that surfboard out of this pool right now."

Andrew swims over to me and asks me what is going on and if the police are going to come.

Janko: "Right. Right. And who are you? Are you the maintenance man?"

Toad is now huffing and puffing and nostrils are flaring.

Female Dirt: "I want to know if you read the pool rules."

Andrew thinks she is now talking to him and says, "I can't read stuff like that. I am just in Kindergarten and only know how to do easy reader books. You know the kind at the library that have that red line on them. The green ones are more challenging. But I know in time, I'll be able to read them. My Mom tells me to be patient and it'll happen."

Female Dirt: "You need to tell me where you renters are staying and I am going to drop off a copy of these pool rules in your unit."

Toad: "No. You don't need to do that. We'll take the boogie board out. If we're not sure what to bring in, we'll find you and run it by your first."

Male Dirt: "You know it's not right for you Northerners to come down here and start breaking our pool rules. These rules have been in place for 30 years and if you want to chnage em you need to come to a Board Meeting and petition."

Janko: "I've been coming here for 25 years and I know ALL about the pool rules. Now when is your next board meeting so we can all take a listen and make sure everything's running like a charmn down here."

Female Dirt: "I am the manager so I will stick a note in your condo with the Board Meeting schedule."

Toad: "Lady, you're not coming over to our condo. We don't need you dropping off paperwork. Me and her(points at me)are just trying to enjoy a little time with our family in the sunny weather. Now you two come rolling outta that clubhouse like you've got a serious bone to pick with us. I am sure both of you can appreciate our effort. Me and her have been in the car for 22 hours with these kids. Now my son wants to enjoy the pool and you're out here rantin and ravin about a boogie board. I told you I would take it out and I did. Now you need to step off."

Andrew says to me, "Mom, I think WE need to call 911. These people are absurd."

Male Dirt: "Have you people tried the Riverview Club down the road? It's private, but if you pay some money they will let you in. They have a pool down there, too."

Toad: "Gregg, now you're talking crazy. We are swimming in this pool. Right here. We are not loading up our stuff and driving down to a fancy shmantzy country club down the road."

Now the male and female dirt start backing up and organizing hoses, watering bushes, swatting at flies, etc.

I'm super pissed so I call my Mom and tell her she needs to get down here and rip these dirts apart. She acts all shocked that anyone gave us lip and told me to stop swimming there and find something else to do like walk on the beach as a family and collect seashells.

Here it comes, "Collect seashells? SERIOUSLY? I'll do that allright, but how can I deny my kids the opp to swim in the friggin pool?!"

Janko's Mom: "Well, I'm gonna call your sisters and see if they ever had these problems when they were down there. In the meantime, if those two folks come back, just smile and try to make small talk. They are probably irritated by your aggressiveness. You know down south they are much sweeter and slower than we are."

So my Mom calls back a day later and tells me that no one else in the family was busted at the pool. So clearly we are out of control and need to think about our actions more carefully.

Janko to Mom: "So no one has ever been scolded at the pool?! Come on. That has to be complete bullshit."

Janko's Mom: "No. The only thing I was told was there is a person down there that your brother in law saw on the golf course that looked like a transvestite. And he wasn't sure if he was transitioning into a man or woman. The transition must be early on. So if you see someone down there that matches this description, be kind to him or her. You know that would be just awful going through that. I saw an episode on Oprah once about that and it really tore me up."

Janko: "Yeah, I saw that guy. We call him Red Headed Woody. He's all messed up."

Janko's Mom: "Listen. You're down there to enjoy yourself. Stop worrying abut all of this other nonsense."

Janko: "Right. I'm just gonna go lay by the pool in my jeans and sweatshirt."


Two weeks after we get home, my Mom calls.

Janko's Mom: "Well, you must have really created a stir down in FL cause your father and I just got a letter from the President of the Board about an EMERGENCY BOARD MEETING RE: POOL RULES and REGULATIONS. I sure hope you didn't do anything to embarass me or your grandparent's good name.

I am now saving my pennies for a trip to Cedar Point.