My Name is Stanley, but I would like you to call me Stan

The actual last name of Stanley will not be revealed in this post. For obvious reasons.

The crew is headed up north for the 4th of July and while my hubby will be able to play a few rounds of 18, I, too, would like to do something for myself. For some strange reason, I feel running (or as I like to call it, a fast as hell walk)a 5k will fit the bill.

So we stay in a development just 30 minutes outside of Alpenis (Alpena for all you politically correct greggs). It's called Lost Lake Woods. And there's really no need to leave LLW because they have everything you could ever need. Golf course, driving range, skeet shooting, lake, horse stables, etc. And a gift shop with a dorm freezer stuffed with ice cream sandwiches. They also have a 4th of July Parade but we can deal with that later.

As I was surfing the internet lookin for interesting happenings the 4th of July weekend, I came across a 5K in Alpenis. Since it's a small town, you can't go online for more info. You have to call. I figured it was the number to the local chamber. Man was I ever wrong...

Janko dials random number:

Very Very old man answers: "Ummmmm.... errrr....hello."

Janko: "Hi, I am calling about your 5k on the 4th of July. I saw it on the internet and I'd like to sign up. Is there a website I can go to to do this?"

Old Man: "Ahhhhh...No."

Janko: "Okay, well how can I sign up then?"

Old Man: "You can come on down to the post office on 2nd street and make sure you bring your pocketbook and your shirt size."

Janko: "Well, that won't work cause I live in Detroit and I cannot just shoot over to the post office. Can we handle this on the morning of the race?"

Old Man: "We most certainly cannot, lady. You need to get here early. Plus, if you sign up prior to the race, I can save you $3."

Janko: "I like the idea of saving money since it's a real economic mess down here in Detroit right now, but again, I cannot get up there early. And sir, who am I speaking with?"

Old Man: "My name is Stanley Muchgettekin. But I would like you to call me Stan."

Janko: "Okay, Stan. Will you be running the race yourself?"

Stan: "I am damn near gonna try, honey. Now listen to me. You got anyway to get yourself on a computer and get an email?"

Janko: "I do. I am on FB all the time. You wanna send me something, Stan?"

Stan: "I don't know much bout Facebookin, but I can try to send you a little email once my wife gets back from IGA. I will also add a small attachment. You know how to open them things up?"

Janko: "I do. If it's an application I will fill it out and mail you my check. That way you get my money well before the race. Sound good?"

Stan: "As much I want to take that money of yours, I also need to know yer shirt size."

Janko: "Right, right. I will include that info on the app."

Stan: "Now I am concerned bout your arrival the day of the race. Will you be comin from Detroit?"

Janko: "No. I will be driving from Lost Lake Woods."

Stan: "So yer willin to miss their big 4th of July Parade? Dang! That's been goin on for upwards of 60 years."

Janko: "Yeah, I am taking my chances and missing it. But can we get back to the race? I can make it to Alpenis on my own, I just don't know where to go once I get downtown. But I have Onstar so why don't you gimme the address where the runners meet and I'll be fine?"

Stan: "You got what?!"

Janko: "Onstar. It will provide turn by turn directions if I tell them the address."

Stan: "Tell who?"

Janko: "Stan, this is really counterproductive right now. I have 2 kids that really need my attention. I just need the address from you."

Stan: "When the roads splits, head right. You can ask anyone to help you from there."

Janko: "I really need an address, Stan. That's what Onstar requires."

Stan: "Listen, I don't know who this wacky friend of yers is named Onstar but if you listen to me, I will get you there."

Janko: "Is your wife home yet, Stan?"

Stan: "Now the route is gonna be rela purty. Right on the waterfront. It will be a trail race. I mean, we will run in cement. You know a trail like."

Janko: "Okay, why don't you email me and I can get my money AND shirt size to you."

Stan: "I think I hear somethin. Damn ball and chain's back. She's been a real pain in my keister lately. See I am spending all this time on the race here and ignorin her. Ladies like attention."

Janko: "Yeah, aint that the truth. And get it while you can."

Stan: "I'm startin to notice you and me. We think alike."

Janko: "Okay, I have to hang up now. Don't forget about that email, man.

Stan: "Right. Listen. Tell me your name now so I can look for you on the day of the race. "

Janko: "My friends call me Janko, Stan. And for damn good reason."