Glad I can make SOMEONE'S day

I really enjoy reading your comments. They keep me going. Cheap inspiration.

Posting to this blog is inexpensive therapy for me. When I write about my jacked up experiences it actually makes me laugh too which is good, cause when I'm in the thick of it, I usually want to cry.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the loop or picking out which sweatsuit I'm gonna wear for the day, I lose sight of what's important.

And what's important is different for each member of our family.

For Todd, it's important that people drink wine. Hell, it matters to me, too, since it's what allows me to splurge at Target. It's also important that all of the kids toys are picked up and put away everyday. It helps him relax much more when he's watching SportsCenter, when all that crap isn't laying around.

Andrew's top priority is being the first one at the bus stop. There are only 6 kids at the stop and 4 of em could give a rat's ass what order they're in in the line. But to Andrew, it means everything. The bus arrives at 8:33 and he starts talking about his order in the line by 7:45 EVERY morning.

For Katherine, she wants someone to make goofy faces at her, act like they're overwhelmed and at their wit's end. That's where I come in. She finds great humor in my facial expressions.

For me, it's important to keep the crew happy and rolling along like an 18 wheeler 6 hours ahead of schedule.

I know. I'm a hell of a woman.

Three people told me. It must be true.

Kids are now taking the ACT starting in 8th grade. They are actually getting DM pieces encouraging them to do this. The parents also get DM pieces about these classes your kid can take to blow it outta the water on the ACT.

Just think: if you take the test beginning at 8th grade and everytime it is offered, you should be able to pull a 32 by the time you're a junior. How awesome is that! You get to go to a university full of brainiacs but you're probably not one of them.

Your parents just popped for the $40 test-taking fee a dozen times and now you're smokin the test.

This really changes EVERYTHING.

But shouldn't 8th graders be doing other things that are more age appropriate? What happened to boys and girls parties with an old fashioned game of spin the bottle? At 13, I was roaming the mall, looking through all the racks at RAVE.

I didn't know Toad back then but I can assure you he wasn't taking a college entrance exam. In fact, he told me he was going to after school dances and then walking 2 miles to McDonald's after to cool off wth a hot fudge sundae (with nuts).

Next time someone brings up this ACT bit, I'm gonna tell them I already created 2,000flash cards and we go over them with Andrew every night at dinner.

Don't screw up the loop

We were running late. Kids actually slept in so we couldn't make it to the bus stop on time.

Driving the weasel to school buys us an extra 15 minutes. To me, this is forever. 15 minutes can change your whole day. You can waste 15 minutes in a fast food drive thru line in Southfield or you could get in and out of Target with three new outfits a pack of diapers, oj and batteries.

I load up the the crew (I know it's just two kids, but sometimes it feels like a million little rugrats running around in circles.)

We're on our way to school. Pulling out of the sub I see the long line of vans, just itching to get into the loop.

I've never done this before - driven Andrew to school. Of course there has to be a method or rotuine to this loop but hell if I know what it is. I always hear the PTA talking it up and explaining how critical it is that everyone follow the rules. But to be honest, if I screw up once surely they'll cut me some slack.

As we pull in, Andrew is looking out the window in the waaaay back and commenting on every kid he recognizes:

"Mom, that's Janie. She's not coming to the Halloween Party you're throwing in my classroom cause her mom has issues with germs. And parties have lots of germs. So don't count on her. Just mail her her goodie bag. She lives on Falcon."

"Oh, there's John. His mom and dad can't speak any English. So he has to tell them what he did everyday at school in another language. I wouldn't have the patience for that."

"Look. There's Maureen. She eats the same thing everyday for snack. Goldfish and white milk. She doesn't get a lot of attention at home cause she's got two sisters. And one of 'em cries all the time."

I have to stop the madness so I slam on the brakes.

"Andrew, I cannot listen to your blow by blow of every kid in your class. I need to figure out how to drop you off. Please keep your comments to yourself and tell me tonight at dinner."

I'm in the loop now. The thick of it. Some moms are so good at this, they're actually smiling and waving to other moms.

I see a handful of kids holding picket signs walking in front of the school. Sign says, "It's Bagel Friday. Did you remember your dollar?" Shit. Forgot the buck. Oh and I also forgot to put my shoes on.

As we get closer Andrew yells, "Mom, don't go any farther. The valet will get me out of the car now. Don't move. Just STAY WHERE YOU ARE."

Valet? VALET!? What kind of program is this? Why is everything so complicated? Why can't I just roll up and he jumps out?

The minute I stop, some bad ass looking 5th grader starts knocking on the window. "Mam, open the door. Please! Open the DOOR! Pop the hatch. POP THE HATCH!"

Why do I need to pop my hatch? Is he trying to steal shit from me? Just step away from my car, punk. I don't need you rummaging through my trunk. STEP OFF.

Andrew is now officially worked up. Even more than me.

He tells me: "Gosh, Mom. You screwed it up. Already. I knew this was gonna happen."

I turn around and give him a REAL pissed off look. The kind that says, "Don't jack with me right now. I am doing my GD best and you're really getting under my skin."

Finally, Andrew gets out on his own. The 5th grader completely gave up on us. He moved on to the Escalade behind me. Oh, and I noticed that Mom was all dressed and made up for the day already.

Before he takes off for the school, I tell him, "Andrew I love you. Have a great day!"

Here's what he says, "You know how you always tell me that you and Dad are the boss and you guys tell me what to do? Well, you clearly didn't know what you were doing today and if you're gonna be the boss you need to pull it together. But Mom, I still love you cause I can tell you were trying your hardest. It just wasn't good enough this time. See ya!"