"For the school talent show in December I need..."

We're not in the car 10 seconds on the way home from school, when he explains:

"Our music teacher is having a talent show in December at our school. And I really believe I should participate."

Janko: "Wait. I thought the Talent Show is in May and it has nothing to do with the music teacher. Remember that kid played 'Knockin on heaven's door' and got a standing ovation?"

Andrew: "Oh, Mom, that show is still happening. This is just another one. For that show I am going to do a dance routine with several other kids or something involving gymanstics and high kicking."

Janko: "Well, like we talked about last year, you can't just get up and lip sync a song and jump around. You need a choreographed routine."

Andrew: "For this show in December you have to have an instrument to perform. So I need a piano. I saw one at Costco a few weeks ago. The guy playing it was wearing a tuxedo and I talked to him for a while about his piano. It was $9,999.00 but that's because his keys were made straight from elephant tusks. There was a junkier one for $4,500. That's probably a better choice for me since I'm not sure how much I will like playing the piano."

Janko: "Why do you have to have an instrument? If it's part of the music program you should be able to just sing. We can work on picking out a song together for this. And who is this music teacher anyway? Why haven't I received any information about this show? Are you making this whole thing up?!"

Andrew: "Mom! Our music teacher is GREAT! And I asked if I could borrow the piano she has in the music room and she told me to loook around at our house for casio keyboard or a recorder or something. If you can't afford the piano, I was thinking I could use that guitar in the basement. Granted there's a string missing, but Dad should be able to string a new one."

Janko: "Yeah, it's looking like you'll be using the 3 string guitar. And I wouldn't count on Dad to fix it. I've been asking him to hang some pictures for 4 years and he still hasn't done it. But I'll dig up that guitar and we can figure out how to restring it together."

Andrew: "Okay, good. So next steps are: I write down the name of the instrument and the song I will perform and turn it in. You have to sign it. And I want to play the guitar to 'Sexyback' by Justin Timberlake. Can you make sure to have Dad get time off work for this? And you should bring Katherine cause she loves that song. It makes her so happy whenever you play it in the car."

Just Don't Answer the Door, Stacey. It's that easy.

Grand advice from Toad.

In the last month, I have had the following solictors ring my bell:

-->hungry howies offering a free small cheese pizza if i buy 10 at regular price. but i have to call right now and order the 10 pizzas.

-->a plastic siding company that can spray my house with rubber and seal it up so i never have to paint it again. the rubber will last at least 26 years. not even golf size hail balls can chip it. i can even transfer the warranty to the next poor soul who buys the pad.

-->two degenerates pushing an italian eatery i wouldn't send my mother in law to.

-->a window salesman that needs me to allow him to quote all new windows because he gets $3 for every homeowner that agrees to this.

-->a pothead/dopesmoker who claims he is going to single-handedly clean out all of the sewer systems in Michigan because when we pour old frying oil down the drain it is killing our minnows in the great lakes. I just need to sign his petition so he can protest in front of Jenny Granmole's office window.

-->a 14 year old from mobile alabama that quizzed me on his presentation skills and dressing abilities. then he wanted me to buy magazines to send to 3rd world countries. the recipients can't read, but they like to stare at the pictures he tells me.

-->a "tar and roofing specialist" that wants to put a new roof on the house - even though we just did this 3 years ago and it needs to be replaced every 20 years.

-->and the best one - the CE meter man that likes my weed wacker.

I want out of here. No wonder houses are getting robbed. These dirts are casing our houses out all day long.

I blame Kwame.

"My stomach really hurts and I

think I need some medicine. You know how you have that feeling that you just want to throw up? I feel that feeling, now." (Andrew)

Janko: (thinking) Awww hells no. You've got a birthday party in 14 hours and you and i both need you to attend this party. you need to suck up that shitty feeling and get on with it.

Andrew: "Mom, you may want to drive faster to get home. Especially since you just vaccuumed out your car yesterday. I feel like something is gonna happen."

Janko: THROWS ON HAZARDS ASAP. Kicks up speed by 15 immediately.

Andrew: "Do you know what time Duke is playing Butler? I betcha Duke's gonna route little Butler, Mom. They won't know what hit 'em. Basketball is so fascintaing."

Janko: Oh, I see this bullhonkey a mile away. This little dirt wants to stay up so he plays the barf card. And I sure as hell know Toad wont be having any of this.

Janko: "Andrew, when we pull in the driveway, you hop out and go up to bed. You need to sleep if you feel so bad."

Andrew: "But my head is really banging and I only get relief when I am sitting straight up on the couch."

Toad enters picture and shoots me a bullhonkey look.

I tell Andrew he can watch TEN MINUTES of this riDICKulous game and then he weasels his way into my bed. That way if he vomits, it can ruin my bed and carpet. And the extra bonus is that I'll be IN the bed with him and am bound to get some type of residual effect.

15 minutes later, as Andrew is rolling back in forth in our bed moaning, Toad walks up with the laptop oblivious to what is actually happening. He says, "You wanna use the computer for anything?"

I smile and so no thanks, but am thinking - YOU have got to be kiding me. I am in bed with our 7 year old who's gonna blow it out any minute and you wanna throw the laptop in the mix? Good thing I got suckered into buying that damn "tuxedo service warranty plan" at besy buy for this thing. but i betcha this situation would never be covered.

So, here I am. 2:29AM. Booted out of my bed by a snoring diagonal sleeping 7 year old. Come downstairs to jump on the computer and get blog bitch back in order and Toad's sawwing 2 by 4's on the couch with the 3rd repeat of ESON sportscenter blowing up the tv screen.

life is grand.

Mom, I never told you and you need to know

I put the weasels to bed over an hour ago. I plopped down on the couch to jump into my guilty pleasure - facebook, TMZ, etc.

And just when I think those sweetie pies are out for the count, I hear:

"Mom, I totally forgot to tell you this today and it' really important."

Me (THINKING): Awww shit. Don't even tell me that I need to pick up 3 dozen muffins for the Math Club tomorrow morning. Or, wait. Is tomorrow my day to help with the Math Centers? Cause I have nobody to watch Curly and Big Daddy can't be staying back to watch her. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Andrew: "Mom I was the only one to get 100% on my bragging paper today. THE ONLY ONE. This happens to also be a record breaker for the school. No one in the history of my school has ever done this before. I am the first one. This is a REALLY big deal. You see Jack didn't get 100% because he screwed up the triangle. I knew it belonged in the ten spot and not the 100s but he had no idea. Do you know what I mean, Mom? How some people think the ten spot is the same as the 100 spot?

Me (thinking): What the HELL is he talking about?! But I just keep smiling and nodding and giving a thumbs up cause the kid hasn't even taken a breath yet and it's clear he's got a lot more to say.

Andrew: "Then Julie thought it was okay to put the red where the green should be. I knew she was so wrong but I had self control and let her do her own thing."

Me (thinking): Is this kid in a dream? Again, what the HELL is he talking about?!

Andrew: "Then my teacher made this announcement to everyone in my class congratulating me on getting this 100%. I was so flamin hot excited Mom. It was like I was on this huge awesome roll and no one could stop me. Dad says sometimes he feels like that at work. Like he just nailed an important sale and no one can get him down. Not even his boss."

Me (thinking): "I am really happy for you breaking that record. You worked hard and it paid off. Keep up the great work and dedication. But now I really want you to get to bed."

Andrew: "This is why I got out of bed and told you this. I knew you would think it was really cool and I know this kind of news cannot wait to be shared. And I also wanted to tell you, next year could you sign me up for after school care? All you need to do is get a job and then I would have to go to after school care. I mean just work anywhere doing anything. After care is the best because you get another recess in addition to the one before lunch. And I talked to the teacher for it. She said the rates are really reasonable."