Shoot the Duck

As a kid, there was a place in town called SkateWorld. We only went there about once a year (when our school was having some sort of fundraiser) but the two hours there was like heaven on earth. Just mapping out what to wear was an ordeal. You wanted to be stylish yet comfortable. Rollerskating to Rick Springfield and "shooting the duck" were important to consider when picking out the baddest ass outfit in your closet. I won't go into what I wore and I won't talk about how I styled my hairs. Those that know me well understand how limited I am with hairstyles.

The local skating rink in our city offers beginner rollerskating lessons. Or so it says on their website.

I called up there to ask a few questions. Here's how it went:

14 year old teenage boy completely out of breath: "The Skate Zone, what can I do for ya?"

I got the impression he was on the rink, heard the phone ring, grabbed the cordless and then continued skating.

In the backgroud I could hear LL Cool J's "I'm the type of guy...."

Janko: "Hi, how's it goin? - I pause for a response from him but all I get is deep breathing. - I am interested in signing my son up for lessons. He doesn't have any real experience other than putting on my rollerblades from college and wobbling around in the basement on the carpet in them. You see, he thinks he's good, but he struggles. Anyway, I want to make sure he gets into the right class and all."

14 Year Old Male: "Right, we don't really recommend rollerskating on carpet, ma'am."

Janko: "Completely agree with you. I realize he shouldn't be skating on carpet in size 8 womens blades but my daughter's real sick and we can't go outside so we've been improvising at home with entertainment options."

14 Year old: "Have you considered taking him in your garage to skate? The cement would work well and you could even bring a little radio out there for him."

Janko: "Yeah, um our garage is really cold and pretty messy. Plus, he doesn't have skates of his own. I really don't want him wearing mine. Catch my drift?"

I cannot believe we are having this conversation. I keep thinking about the chicken I need to pull out for dinner, the beds I need to make and the heaping pile of laundry that needs to get done. I just want him to charge my friggin charge card and be done with it.

14 Year Old: "Well ma'am it's been nice talking to you. We're open til 11:30 tonight so why don't you swing in this evening and we can register your child?"

Janko: "Easier said than done. Like I said earlier, my daughter is sick and we can't really leave the house. It says on your website you can register by phone. That's what I want to do. I just need confirmation on the correct class."

14 Year Old: Does your kid know the proper way to fall down??

What the hell is this punk talking about?

Janko: "No. He knows NOTHING. In fact, does this class cost include skate rental?"

14 Year Old: "It does. I think you need to come in and experience the Skate Zone. Our lighting is the best in the state and we have a dj that spins at raves. He knows what kind of music kids are interested in. Frank the Tank, the night manager, has been messing with that website. You really can't register by phone. I am actually wheelin right now and nowhere near a credit card machine."

Janko: "Can you at least tell me if the beginner class starting on 12/6 has openings?

14 year old: "Dude. You need to just come in. I think it's about full."

Janko: "I can't make it in today. What time will you be there tomorrow?

14 year Old: We open around 2 or 4 and will stay open til 11:30. You're better off to come in late tomorrow night. That way you can talk to Frank, too. He likes to meet all of the moms."

Janko: "Sick. See you tomorrow."

Suckin Gas & Haulin Ass

This weekend Andrew got a taste of the better life and spent the night at my sister and brother-in-law's in GP. It's an event that we can't talk about until about 2 ours before we leave to head down there cause he's literally beside himself with excitement. They have a dog that he LOVES to boss around. A night there is like you or more being told, "You're going to the spa at Nordstrom's. You will get every service and treatment they offer. After that you will eat the most amazing meal and not gain an ounce."

I always look forward to the drive down there. For a period of time it gets REAL colorful. In fact, I noticed a bumper sticker - "Suckin Gas and Haulin Ass."

It was on an older model Ford Conversion van. You know the kind I'm talking about. The one that has pleated shades on the windows and a full size collapseable poker table in the back. My family would have KILLED for one of these back in the day. It would have made our 22 hour trek to FL a lot more enjoyable. Instead we made the drive work in our purple Aries wagon.

Anyway, I was thinking about the sticker. Really thikning about what exactly it meant. I get the sucking gas part. But then again why would you brag about a car that gets shitty mileage?

But the hauling ass part could be interpeted a few ways.

Haulin ass: driving like a fool super fast and getting away with it.
Haluin ass: carting around some very large passengers (but again why would you brag about that?)
Hauling ass: just being a complete bad ass. Driving a tank and being so damn proud.

At any rate, once I merges onto 94 WEST to GP, I lost him. He went East probably headed to the Lakeside area where he can drive like a fool up and down M -59.

Cause we all know you take your life in your hands when you cruise down that strip. But it's the only place with more chain restaurants, so sometimes it's a necessity.