Don't screw up the loop

We were running late. Kids actually slept in so we couldn't make it to the bus stop on time.

Driving the weasel to school buys us an extra 15 minutes. To me, this is forever. 15 minutes can change your whole day. You can waste 15 minutes in a fast food drive thru line in Southfield or you could get in and out of Target with three new outfits a pack of diapers, oj and batteries.

I load up the the crew (I know it's just two kids, but sometimes it feels like a million little rugrats running around in circles.)

We're on our way to school. Pulling out of the sub I see the long line of vans, just itching to get into the loop.

I've never done this before - driven Andrew to school. Of course there has to be a method or rotuine to this loop but hell if I know what it is. I always hear the PTA talking it up and explaining how critical it is that everyone follow the rules. But to be honest, if I screw up once surely they'll cut me some slack.

As we pull in, Andrew is looking out the window in the waaaay back and commenting on every kid he recognizes:

"Mom, that's Janie. She's not coming to the Halloween Party you're throwing in my classroom cause her mom has issues with germs. And parties have lots of germs. So don't count on her. Just mail her her goodie bag. She lives on Falcon."

"Oh, there's John. His mom and dad can't speak any English. So he has to tell them what he did everyday at school in another language. I wouldn't have the patience for that."

"Look. There's Maureen. She eats the same thing everyday for snack. Goldfish and white milk. She doesn't get a lot of attention at home cause she's got two sisters. And one of 'em cries all the time."

I have to stop the madness so I slam on the brakes.

"Andrew, I cannot listen to your blow by blow of every kid in your class. I need to figure out how to drop you off. Please keep your comments to yourself and tell me tonight at dinner."

I'm in the loop now. The thick of it. Some moms are so good at this, they're actually smiling and waving to other moms.

I see a handful of kids holding picket signs walking in front of the school. Sign says, "It's Bagel Friday. Did you remember your dollar?" Shit. Forgot the buck. Oh and I also forgot to put my shoes on.

As we get closer Andrew yells, "Mom, don't go any farther. The valet will get me out of the car now. Don't move. Just STAY WHERE YOU ARE."

Valet? VALET!? What kind of program is this? Why is everything so complicated? Why can't I just roll up and he jumps out?

The minute I stop, some bad ass looking 5th grader starts knocking on the window. "Mam, open the door. Please! Open the DOOR! Pop the hatch. POP THE HATCH!"

Why do I need to pop my hatch? Is he trying to steal shit from me? Just step away from my car, punk. I don't need you rummaging through my trunk. STEP OFF.

Andrew is now officially worked up. Even more than me.

He tells me: "Gosh, Mom. You screwed it up. Already. I knew this was gonna happen."

I turn around and give him a REAL pissed off look. The kind that says, "Don't jack with me right now. I am doing my GD best and you're really getting under my skin."

Finally, Andrew gets out on his own. The 5th grader completely gave up on us. He moved on to the Escalade behind me. Oh, and I noticed that Mom was all dressed and made up for the day already.

Before he takes off for the school, I tell him, "Andrew I love you. Have a great day!"

Here's what he says, "You know how you always tell me that you and Dad are the boss and you guys tell me what to do? Well, you clearly didn't know what you were doing today and if you're gonna be the boss you need to pull it together. But Mom, I still love you cause I can tell you were trying your hardest. It just wasn't good enough this time. See ya!"